Of Wrestling and Politics

I just finished reading Game Change about the 2008 Presidential election and I was struck by how similar the world of politics is to the world of professional wrestling. And soap operas. I loved every page of the book, but felt mildly dirty for enjoying it.

A majority of the book deals with the Democratic primaries for obvious reasons. The Democrats had a much longer and more intense fight for the party's nomination. The book focuses on the three top candidates: Obama, Clinton and John Edwards. It also breaks down the Republican primary and the general, but the Democratic primary took the majority.

The reason this book made me think of professional wrestling is not simply my recent reading of Hitman. I thought of wrestling because of how much of campaigning is BS and how both sides of a given story KNOW it's BS, yet turn the political knife anyway. For example, in the general election between Obama and McCain, the book stated unequivocally that the McCain campaign knew darn well that Obama's famous "lipstick on a pig" comment had nothing to do with Sarah Palin. They demanded an apology to court Hillary supporters and women in general and to put the Obama campaign on the defensive. I single this story out because of how explicitly the book stated that no one in the McCain camp actually thought Obama meant Palin. I must mention, that Republicans certainly were not alone in this tactic.

Each campaign would be both embarrassed and flattered by its portrayal in this book. There were tales of opportunism, brilliance and underhandedness everywhere and no campaign was spared. The Obama campaign looked the best, but was clearly not immune from playing in the mud.

Some observations:

-- I was shocked that the title of "craziest person" in any campaign was not won by the odds-on favorites (Hillary Clinton or Sarah Palin in whatever order), but rather by Elizabeth Edwards. This shocked me because I never saw Mrs. Edwards as a candidate in the race for nut-job of the campaign season. Trust me when I say it took a cancer diagnosis for anyone associated with the Edwards campaign to feel a twinge of sympathy for her. Of course, it's not every day that a multi-millionaire angrily threatens to suspend the health insurance of all campaign workers until hers is secured. Even less predictable would be someone doing so on a national call attended by many of the lowest paid / hardest working organizers hitting the pavement. Multi-millionaires also do not often expose themselves while in an argument. Like I said, it wasn't even close.

(Just a few more Elizabeth stories because I can't resist: She called John a "hick" in front of other people and derided his parents as rednecks; and She laughed at the idea that John would read a book and claimed to be the smart one.)

-- Bill Clinton is a hothead, but he appreciates evil genius even when he's the victim. When the Obama campaign called him on his reference to Jesse Jackson winning South Carolina, clearly implying something, Clinton was now portrayed as a racist, at least by implication. The book says that "though it infuriated (Clinton), he could not help but respect the artfulness of the play... I wish our people were more like that, Bill said." He's an angry, bitter man, but he appreciates a good move. Of course Bill also said the Ted Kennedy: "the only reason you're endorsing him is because he's black. Let's just be clear." So, it's not like Bill didn't give the Obama camp any openings.

-- With whom did Clinton counsel about being essentially called a racist? George W. Bush. Clinton bitched to W about the betrayals he suffered for 15 minutes and W said "I know you aren't a racist." This was like seeing King Kong Bundy and Hulk Hogan laughing over a few beers at a local pub in the mid 80s or something. This is why wrestling is more like politics than we'd like to admit. They play up the hatred in public, but they're all just colleagues behind the scenes. W and Bill apparently talked "more often than almost anyone knew" during W's reign. THE CURTAIN HAS BEEN LIFTED! I mean... what can I possibly add? Talk about breaking the fourth wall. We are all being had.

-- Obama is absolutely as cool as the other side of the pillow, just as commonly perceived. His best quote was before his 2004 keynote address at the DNC nominating Kerry. "I'm LeBron, baby. I can play on this level. I got some game." Another was before his first debate with McCain when he calmed one nervous aid by putting his hand on her shoulder and saying calmly one-hour before go-time "Don't worry. I got this." Obama seemed to never let anger rattle him, but he was portrayed as whiny regarding the rigorous schedule and could be passive-aggressive. Still, he is the only one who seemed genuinely loved by his staff.

-- Hillary avoids conflict like the plague when dealing with individuals and yet is prone to fits of anger at her staff as a whole. She also does nothing to diffuse internal problems and tends to let them simmer. Her and Bill held a deep belief that the press was in the tank for Obama (which is probably true) and a never-ending suspicion of foul play. Even after it was all over they were both convinced Obama bused people into Iowa from Illinois.

-- The second-place finisher for crazy person of the campaign is actually Judi Giuliani, and she was only second because she was mentioned so infrequently. But, stories of her instability were potent, if brief. She had worked for a medical supply firm that exterminated puppies as part of its sales demonstration. That's right, she somehow was linked to puppy murder. You can't make this stuff up. Her only response was that it was a long time ago and she couldn't remember her involvement. I would think one would know if one was or was not involved in the murder of puppies. Had Rudy been a bigger threat to win, her stories would have been the highlight of the book.

(Giuliani had to answer her cell phone calls EVEN IF IN THE MIDDLE OF A SPEECH - and he did - because, in his words "it's a lot better that way." I am not kidding, she finishes second.)

-- Sarah Palin's lack of preparation, absence of mental curiosity and basic inability to grasp ground-level concepts actually and literally frightened McCain's staff. Preparing her for the debate took on the kind of prep work normally reserved for moon landings and her "success" at parroting the talking points they made her memorize (and calling Biden "Joe" because she could NOT stop calling him Obiden in rehearsal) was celebrated as a major accomplishment. The fact she may be third on the crazy chart is a testament to Elizabeth and Judi and should not be seen as a vindication of Sarahcuda. McCain advisers actually surreptitiously had her monitored by a doctor to see if she was "mentally unstable."

(It should be noted that Bill Clinton is easily the third-craziest spouse and gives Palin a run for her money. His clear edge in brain power puts him fourth behind Palin, but it's closer than one would think).

-- Huckabee actually questioned whether Romney had a soul. Coming from a former pastor, that made me chuckle.

-- Lindsay Graham, John McCain and Joe Lieberman could not stop watching the Youtube video of John Edwards fixing his hair. They watched it over and over and laughed until they had tears in their eyes. "Let's look at it again!" McCain would command. Again, this made me chuckle.

-- Obama's amazing ability to put the bitterness of the primary campaign was awe-inspiring. He was literally the only one of his entire staff (including Michelle) who was willing to give Hillary a position in the administration. His reasoning? "She's going to be really good at this job." He would not take "No" for an answer and made a compelling case to Hillary. He told her that the economy was going to command his focus and he would require someone to hold down the foreign policy part of things. He said she was the only one he could really trust to do this. After reading all the amazing battles their campaigns fought, this is nothing short of amazing and made me think of Team of Rivals and how Lincoln kept back-stabbing rival Soloman Chase around because he was such a good Treasury Secretary. All he cared is that she would be the best person for the job. Same with Biden for VP.

So, there you have it. Campaigning is a business, it is entertaining, it involves steel chairs upon the heads of unsuspecting victims and they all end up having beers together in the end. It's like I read the Hitman book all over again. And, just like a wrestling book, it feels like a guilty pleasure or like I got caught watching a soap opera. I loved this book, and that makes me feel dirty.

Hitman

Approximately once a year, I have a weird craving to relive the old days when I watched pro wrestling as a kid. We even once organized "viewings" of Wrestlemanias I through III at rotating locations within the last few years. (I will spare naming all involved in this delicious travesty of taste.)

This makes me neither proud nor ashamed. It really just amuses me.

I don't watch wrestling today. I don't enjoy what it has become. Hell, I laugh at 80s wrestling today and enjoy it now for very different (mostly mocking and nostalgic) reasons. But, for the second year in a row, I read a book about old-school wrestling from the days of my youth. This year, I read "Hitman," by Bret "The Hitman" Hart.

Ironically, I used to hate Bret Hart and his evil Hart Foundation. I loved the British Bulldogs, who were arch rivals with the Hart Foundation.

"Hitman" is a great book. It takes you into the "cartoon" world of pro wrestling. I learned a lot about the history of wrestling, and, most interesting, how it works behind the scenes. Hart takes the position that the wrestling business grinds its workers up and spits them out. I think there is some truth to that, but that there is also a tendency for unstable people to explore such a career. There is definitely truth in both perspectives.

The stories are funny, depressing, strange and just odd at times. I recommend reading this book near a computer so you can youtube the various matches he describes in detail. For example, I watched Hart take the kick to the head that ended his career. I also watched the online footage of the "Montreal Screwjob," complete with Vince McMahon wobbling out of the locker room after being knocked silly by Hart.

Although the "Montreal Screwjob" has been a source of great sympathy for Hart, I actually began to think of how Hart may have put himself over a little too well in the book. My take: A promoter has to deal with moody, roided up alpha-males on a regular basis. He has a business to run and didn't get rich by letting wrestlers who decided to go to his rival (WCW) while champion keep the belt and march out triumphant. Promoter lies (not OK, but also... well, Hart makes it clear wrestlers are a bit moody and difficult) and screws over his champion. In the process he damages the goods being received by the rival and collects enough checks to more than pay for the broken jaw.

Pardon my sarcasm, but being "screwed" out of a title defense while 1) leaving the company and 2) ITS STAGED didn't garner as much sympathy from me as I know others feel about this incident. Sorry, but he was 5 time champ because that got ratings. He was a good "wrestler" in that he preformed well, but popularity is what mattered. Stuff happens.

Most interesting to me were the stories of what some of my favorites were like behind the scenes. Andre the Giant, Hulk Hogan, Macho Man, Dynamite Kid, etc. I also loved the stories of the road and all the ribbing. Just kinda guy stories. It was a fun book, but I can't get all broken up about losing a belt that changes hands based on projected ratings draws. Shoot me.

As for steroids, Hart basically makes the strong case that a career would be over without them for someone of his stature (he wasn't exactly a giant). I took this to mean he simply used the "recommended" dosage. It was that or a different career... he rolled the dice and got rich. He only mentions it once when he decided to do it and never again brings it up, although its implied he was on them his whole career (never explicitly says so, though). He later confuses his own use by suggesting he was a desired champ because he wasn't a roided up freak like so many others at a time when people were angry about steroids. I guess its appropriate my next book is about self-justification.

Overall, a fun read. Much longer than expected, and he has some points to make. Much like actual wrestling shows, it's like reading 500 pages of one long description of a train wreck. You see all the twisted metal and all the carnage vividly after reading this book.

A few memorable quotes from Churchill

I have enjoyed reading Winston Churchill. Not only because he is one of the greatest leaders of all time, but because he is simply a fun author to read. He keeps a sense of humor, makes grand proclamations and tells the tale through anecdotes. What more would you expect from a man who took great pride in urinating on the Siegfried line along with some of his generals? These are a few memorable quotes from Winston Churchill:

-- FINAL THOUGHTS: "The broadening of thought is a process which acquires momentum by seeking opportunity for all who claim it. And it may well be if wisdom and patience are practiced that Opportunity-for-all will conquer the minds and restrain the passions of mankind."

-- ON FRUSTRATIONS AT THE END -- "As war waged by a coalition draws to its end political aspects have a mounting importance. It is true that American thought is at least disinterested in matters which seem to relate to territorial acquisitions, but when wolves are about the shepherd must guard his flock, even if he does not himself care for mutton."

-- ON AMERICAN PSYCHOLOGY -- "But we never succeeded in deflecting the Americans from their purpose. Their national psychology is such that the bigger the Idea the more wholeheartedly and obstinately do they throw themselves into making it a success. It is an admirable characteristic, provided the Idea is good."

-- ON A FORMAL DECLARATION OF WAR -- "Some people did not like this ceremonial style (of declaring war on Japan). But after all when you have to kill a man it costs nothing to be polite."

-- ON THE PEARL HARBOR ATTACK -- "Silly people, and there were many, not only in enemy countries, might discount the force of the United States. Some said they were soft, others that they would never be united. They would fool around at a distance. They would never come to grips. They would never stand blood-letting. Their democracy and system of recurrent elections would paralyse their war effort. They would be just a vague blur on the horizon to friend or foe. Now we should see the weakness of this numerous but remote, wealthy, and talkative people. But I had studied the American Civil War, fought out to the last desperate inch. American blood flowed in my veins. I thought of a remark which Edward Gray had made to me more than thirty years before - that the United States is like "a gigantic boiler. Once the fire is lighted under it there is no limit to the power it can generate." Being saturated and satiated with emotion and sensation, I went to bed and slept the sleep of the saved and thankful."

-- TO THE CANADIAN PARLIAMENT WHILE VISITING ROOSEVELT -- "When I warned (French leaders) that Britain would fight on alone whatever they did, their generals told their Prime Minister and his divided Cabinet, "In three weeks England will have her neck wrung like a chicken." Some chicken! Some neck!"