So I knew when I finished my first post on this that I wasn't completely happy with how I finished it. I got carried away on the soap box part probably, and may have not provided as much relevant information as I probably ought to have.
Let's rectify that shall we?
At the outset, the authors bely their fundamental approach in quoting Wordsworth "the Child is the father of the Man". This is of course to say that what happens to us in boyhood and adolescence permanently shapes us as men.
"What do boys need to become emotionally whole men? And what is the cost to boys of a culture that suppresses their emotional life in service to rigid ideals of manhood?"
The chapter titles are sometimes obvious at first glance, and other times not as much. The authors proceed to lay out a very convincing case for the variety of disservices that boys are trained into by the culture, both at large, and within the peer group.
For example, the concept of emotional literacy - education or ignorance. If you ask a boy how he feels about something, you will often get no response. We do not actively engage boys in exploring their feelings as a way to master the circumstances they are put in, nor teach them to understand their feelings in order to gain mastery over their actions/reactions to an event.
All children look for visual queues in their environments, and the fundamental ideal portrayed for men in commonly available media forms men of a certain type. Sports idolize physical performance, and many of the sports favor outright violence against others as a means of testing strength. Praise and accolades are given the winners, losers are shunned. Commercials show toughness, and for instance truck ads, are all about how you can only be a man if you have a certain vehicle. Another example of my own, is from He-Man. Many of my peers watched that show growing up. What does it teach unconsciously about men? That the Prince is weak, because he runs away and will not fight. He is uncomfortable claiming the emotional mantel of being able to protect his people, so he must use an alter-ego. Who gets the accolades? The alter-ego. The real man. Now, I don't believe that was a active choice by the writers of that show, they were trying to advance the notion of the secret identity, and probably some sort of humility. But I don't think it comes off that way now.
A key point the authors of the book make, in various ways through out is that "the difference between boys who overcome adversity and those who surrender to it always comes down to the emotional resources they bring to the challenge" "we have to come to grips with the fact that every boy has an inner life, that there hearts are full. Every boy is sensitive and every boy suffers."
That just the first chapter. There is a very good chapter about how there are serious institutional challenges with how boys and their inherent physicality do not fit the design of the US Education system writ large. For sure, there are teachers or a school here or there that are more receptive to it than others, but in general, schools from K all the way thru 12 are build around a girl learning model rather than a flexible boy learning model. Boys just need to express their feelings through physical activity. And sitting still for long stretches of time does not do that justice.
The 3rd chapter is about discipline. "harsh discipline - by which we mean both physical punishment in the form of hitting or spanking and verbal intimidation, which includes belittling, denigrating, scapegoating, and threatening - is not the answer any child. Not Ever." As you might imagine, it's hard to understand exactly how to proceed. As a boy I was on the receiving end of several of those behaviors, but not as much as some others I know. I think it falls into the category of the fact that there are many ways to raise a child, but in the end, just getting through it doesn't mean that it was all well done, nor that the child (now adult) is in a healthy place emotionally from the experience.
"For all of a boy's life, regardless of the nature of his transgressions, he is likely to receive swifter, harsher treatment than a girl would receive, often harsher than reason would justify."
We all know this is true. And all sorts of studies show this is the case from toddlerhood thru adulthood. Its a fact of our culture. The authors go on to discuss alternatives in discipline, and as throughout the book, provide some poignant vignettes condensed from their counseling experiences.
This is one of the components of the book that makes it very relateable and compelling. The use of short stories, sometimes only a few paragraphs that underscore key points, and examples of real world boys who are having all sorts of troubles, and the key underpinnings to the behaviors, as well as some of the strategies they help persuade the boys to employ to help them turn things around.
There are more sections to discuss, and I'll be back for more later. For now, parental duties call.
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