Raising Cain

So I finished Raising Cain this weekend. It's a book that has been on our shelves for a couple years, just waiting for me to get to it. I've not been reading it exclusively but still it took me several months, although its not terribly long. Raising Cain is written by a pair of psychologists, both with significant experience dealing with counseling adolescent boys, and it shows.

The authors, Dan Kindlon and Michael Thompson, don't pull any punches. Frankly I was confronted with some uncomfortable reminders of my own experiences growing up. I was trying to decide how to really discuss this, and what follows is but a partial take.

Generally, from a methodology/layout perspective, the book is divided in to some sub topics, and they usually spend 20-30 pages giving examples, small story segments lifted straight from therapy sessions, and weaving a solid story line. I was impressed that all the segment seemed equally thorough, informative, and purposeful.

As to content.....I know these people. The boys that authors describe, I know them. In some cases the scenarios they describe could have been lifted straight out of my memories. Several others are things I'm aware of others close to me went through during late elementary-high school. Some of it was just amazingly frustrating to realize, that as a kid, I was subjected to it. Actually, I was sad to know that all us men went through that. The subculture that exists within boyhood and coming of age is just unbelievable. I was disturbed to be reminded of some of the things that I experienced.

As a father and parent, I know I would never actively design a system that exposed kids to any of this stuff. I realize that growing up is to an extent learning to deal with challenges on your own, but that doesn't excuse the culture of cruelty that exists and is actively promoted and re-created day in and day out. It's not just permitted, it's tacitly approved. I realize that I can't change the culture for my son, but this book helps me realize that I need to help prepare my son for the things that he will be exposed to, things that will specifically demean him on purpose for no reason that actively promotes anything healthy.

This book also has helped me remember that I was not, am not alone. I went through some pretty dumb things, experiences that have colored my outlook and my approach in some situations since. Many of us did. To some extent, we men should all probably have some sort of PTSD episodes just based on stuff we went through. Hell, some of us probably do regularly.

I don't actively remember pushing any of my compatriots into situations that would have caused some of these reactions. And if I did, hell, I'm sorry. I really am. I wish there had been something like this book to help me see it earlier. Not to mention help our parents, our teachers, and the other adults in our lives see what was, no what IS going on..

This book ought to be read by any father, and pretty much every wife / mother. We all can't fix something unless we are ready to acknowledge the issues exist. And that we need to do better. We owe our kids, and our selves as kids that much.